Love Quotes by Thomas Fiffer

The measure of success is in impact, not intent. You may be madly in love with your partner, but the intensity of your love may not translate into your partner feeling loved by you.

Sometimes, love gets stuck, like words caught in the throat, and the feelings in our hearts don’t convert into actions embodying those feelings.

It takes tons of practice, and megatons of humility (a character trait essential to mastery), to become a skilled lover, a person who brings out the best in your partner and makes him or her keep coming back for more.

Skilled lovers take out the invisible earplugs and listen, because they know that hearing is the key to understanding.

Being consistent means setting your ego aside, because your ego will tell you what you want to do in the moment.

Consistency is especially important during “sliding door” moments, those times when your choices determine the fate of the relationship.

Skilled lovers treat the small things as big things, because everything counts when it comes to love.

So many relationships start with moon eyes and end up with eyes rolling or not looking at the other person at all.

Skilled lovers take the time to adjust their lenses and focus clearly on the person they love.

Exclusivity, engagement, and ultimately marriage don’t create commitment; they reflect it, because a promise or pledge means nothing unless you feel your partner’s commitment to you. And you know it when you feel it.

Skilled lovers commit and stay committed, keeping their hands on the wheel of the ship and their eyes on the shore whether seas are calm or the storm is raging.

7 Things I Find Attractive in a Woman Now That I Am 50

James Elliot’s tastes have matured along with him. Here, he talks about what’s so sexy about women his own age.

Here are the 7 things I find attractive and sexy in a woman, now that I am 50:

1. What you see is what you get. Here I am referring, of course, to plastic surgery. There is nothing more beautiful, and attractive, in my humble opinion than a woman who is aging into her natural self, without botox and implants and tucks and lifts. Real is sexier than artificial.

2. A Great Mom. There is no bigger turn-on to me than watching my wife with my kids and seeing the unconditional love in her eyes and the shining adoration that she gets back from them.

3. Toughness. It might not sound lady-like but a woman who is willing to fight, hard, for her point of view wins me over. My wife happens to be Italian and a lawyer so you say she is a lock for going toe-to-toe with me. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

4. Fun. In the end life is about enjoying. If you can’t laugh with the woman you are in bed with than not much else is going to work out. If she likes to dance on tables and tell dirty jokes all the better. I seem to have hit the jackpot on this one too. My wife does all those things, and a lot more that I’m not going to get into here.

5. Soulful. I read somewhere that you can see into a person’s soul in their eyes. I believe that is true. Some people have dead eyes. Others you seem to be able to see something deep inside that is completely non-verbal, something that touches your heart every time you take the time to look. My wife has these deep blue eyes that sparkle in a particular way that I noticed the very first time we met. It is the physical attribute I cherish the most about her. And she has plenty of attributes.

6. Adventure. I am a risk-taker by nature in my professional life, but in my personal life I can be a bit of a lazy bastard. Left to my own devices I might crawl into my man cave and never come out. So sometimes I need a little encouragement to get out to a crazy-sounding event or to take a trip half way around the globe to visit some mind expanding place that I would never have gone on on my own.

7. Touch. It may sound stupid, but there are some people who just feel right in your arms. Their touch, the feeling of their skin against yours, is like heaven. All worry disappears. You sleep soundly. Your mind goes blank. All you can think about it that this is a good thing. That’s my list. And that’s my wife. I am one lucky dude.

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4 Faktor Penyebab Kita Tidak Dihargai Orang Lain

Pernahkah dalam hidupmu merasa tidak dihargai?

Contoh kasus paling mudah adalah hubungan asmara. Rasa-rasanya kita sudah memberikan seluruh waktu, tenaga, uang, kasih sayang kita kepada pasangan yang kita cintai itu, tetapi kenapa dia tidak memberikan kembali dalam jumlah yang kita anggap sama? Malahan dia memilih untuk minta putus dan menjalin hubungan, bahkan menikah, dengan orang lain?

Contoh kasus lainnya adalah dalam dunia pekerjaan. Kita dengan rekan kerja dan atasan di kantor. Waaah kita bekerja dengan totalitas penuh, tetapi kok rekan kerja dan atasan kita sepertinya tidak menghargai atau mengakui kerja keras kita? Malah seringkali yang mendapat pujian adalah rekan kerja atau atasan itu sendiri.

Mengapa ini semua bisa terjadi?

Menurut pengalaman dan pengamatan pribadi saya, ada beberapa faktor penyebab malapetaka ini terjadi dalam hidup kita:

1. Kita memberikan pada orang yang salah

Tidak semua orang ditakdirkan untuk ada selamanya dalam hidup kita. Hal ini paling berlaku dalam kehidupan asmara. Dalam bukunya “5 Languages of Love”, Dr. Gary Chapman menjabarkan bahwa setiap manusia memiliki lima cara yang berbeda dalam mengekspresikan cinta: Quality Time, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Gifts dan Words of Appreciation.

5_love_languages_fierce_marriage_2

Bisa jadi, cara kita mengekspresikan cinta itu tidak sama dengan pasangan kita sehingga baik pasangan kita maupun kita sendiri sama-sama merasa tidak dicintai. Dari sisi kita bisa saja kita membenarkan bahwa kita sudah memberikan segalanya pada pasangan kita. Dari sisi dia pun mungkin saja juga demikian. Inilah yang menyebabkan kita merasa kesepian meskipun kita secara status memiliki pasangan. Kondisi ini pun semakin memburuk ketika salah satu menemukan orang lain yang dapat mengekspresikan cinta dalam bahasa yang dipahaminya. Terjadilah perselingkuhan dan perceraian.

Bukan berarti saya setuju dengan mencari outlet lain dalam mendapatkan cinta. Memang lebih baik untuk berusaha saling memahami terlebih dahulu sebelum melarikan diri dari kenyataan. Apalagi dalam hubungan pernikahan dimana kita memiliki komitmen satu sama lain yang harus kita pertanggungjawabkan pada Tuhan, bukan hanya manusia.

Akan tetapi, menurut saya pribadi, terkadang memang ada hal-hal yang tidak dapat dipaksakan. Lebih baik kita menerima kenyataan bahwa kita memang bukan pasangan yang tepat bagi orang yang kita cintai itu. Cara terbaik untuk kasus ini adalah belajar ikhlas menerima ketetapan Tuhan. Setiap makhluk di dunia ini diciptakan berpasangan. Kita harus meyakinkan diri kita bahwa di luar sana, ada seseorang yang memahami kita, lebih dari pasangan yang harus kita relakan ini. Apabila memang bukan ditakdirkan untuk kita, tidak akan ada yang dapat menahan dia dari pergi meninggalkan kita karena dia harus bersatu dengan pasangan yang ditakdirkan Tuhan untuknya.

2. Kita memberikan dengan cara yang salah

Setiap kita memiliki prinsip dan idealisme sendiri. Kalau dari kasus ini mungkin kita bisa mengambil contoh kasus hubungan anak dengan orang tua. Setiap anak itu unik dan memiliki bakat dan jalan hidup berbeda. Sementara orang tua, dengan tidak menyadari mereka bukanlah Tuhan, berusaha menjadikan anak-anak sesuai harapan mereka. Mungkin harapan itu adalah antithesis dari apa yang tidak didapatkannya dari orang tua mereka. Mungkin juga harapan itu adalah hasil dari berbagai pembelajaran seumur hidup mereka yang mereka percaya adalah yang terbaik bagi anak mereka.

Namun, Tuhan memiliki rencana berbeda bagi setiap makhlukNya. Setiap manusia diciptakan memiliki peran penting dalam keberlangsungan alam semesta ini. Tidak ada satu pun manusia yang diciptakan tanpa fungsi. Bahkan lalat pun memiliki fungsi nya sendiri. Lalu, mengapa kah orang tua bisa dengan sombongnya mendahului atau menentang rencana Tuhan? Apakah orang tua berpikir mereka lebih tahu dari Yang Maha Mengetahui?

Disinilah malapetaka itu terjadi. Orang tua kemudian membesarkan dan memberikan berbagai fasilitas sesuai dengan kepercayaan mereka bahwa semua adalah yang terbaik. Seringkali tanpa berusaha memahami kepribadian, minat dan bakat dari anak mereka. Alhasil, bukannya anak-anak itu tumbuh bahagia dan mencapai prestasi maksimal, mereka malah tumbuh menjadi anak-anak yang depresi dan tidak percaya diri. Lalu bagaimana dengan orang tua? Hohoho tentu saja orang tua melihat hasil pengasuhan mereka yang ternyata tidak sesuai dengan harapan dan perhitungan otak manusia mereka kemudian menyalahkan anak-anaknya.  Orang tua beranggapan anak-anak mereka adalah anak-anak yang tidak tahu terima kasih dan egois. Padahal, semua itu terjadi disebabkan oleh pola pengasuhan yang salah dari orang tua itu sendiri.

3. Kita tidak realistis (baca: berharap terlalu banyak)

Manusia membuat gelas dalam ukuran yang berbeda. Begitu pula Tuhan menciptakan manusia dengan kapasitas yang berbeda. Kapasitas di sini bukan otak semata. Tidak semua orang bila kita forsir akan memberikan output yang sama. Semua itu tergantung dengan potensi yang ada dalam diri mereka. Seperti yang telah kita setujui, setiap manusia memiliki peran penting. Menurut Howard Garner, manusia memiliki 9 tipe kecerdasan:

9-types-of-intelligence-infographic

Kita tidak dapat memaksakan seseorang yang kecerdasan Bodily-kinestheticnya rendah untuk menjadi bintang dalam dunia olahraga. Begitu pula seseorang yang kecerdasan Linguistic-nya rendah tidak akan dapat menguasai 10 bahasa dunia. Justru kita harus belajar realistis. Lihat dan hargailah orang lain sesuai dengan apa yang ada dalam diri mereka, bukan harapan kita.

Harapan yang tidak masuk akal inilah yang kemudian menjadikan kita korban dari kebodohan kita sendiri.

4. Kita tidak menyadari harga diri kita

Ada satu kasus yang terjadi pada seorang kawan dekat. Dia sangat berbakat di dunia desain grafis. Suatu hari dia mendaftar sebagai desainer di sebuah perusahaan. Dia merasa masih pemula sehingga dia pun menerima untuk dibayar berapa pun dan juga tidak terlalu mempersoalkan jumlah jam kerja. Pada awalnya dia menerima diperlakukan layaknya apa yang dia setujui. Namun, seiring berjalannya waktu, keahliannya meningkat, tetapi peningkatan itu tidak berbanding lurus dengan gaji dan fasilitas yang diberikan oleh perusahaan padanya. Saat itulah dia tahu bahwa dia telah salah langkah. Dia membiarkan perusahaan itu menghargainya dengan murah.

Itulah yang sangat sering terjadi dalam hidup kita. Tidak hanya dalam dunia kerja, tetapi juga dalam dunia pertemanan dan asmara. Kita sering membiarkan orang lain tidak menyadari betapa tingginya harga kita. Bukan bermaksud sombong, tetapi ternyata setelah saya hidup hampir 27 tahun di dunia ini, saya menyetujui bahwa membuat orang lain tahu harga kita adalah sangat penting. Biarkan mereka tahu mahalnya perhatian kita. Mahalnya waktu kita. Mahalnya pendapat kita. Mahalnya kehadiran kita.

Bagaimana caranya?

Ekspresikan dengan kata-kata. Nyatakan dengan jelas. Buatlah mereka tahu bahwa mereka penting bagi kita. Jadikan mereka tahu bahwa selain dari memberikan perhatian pada mereka, sebenarnya ada banyak orang lain yang menginginkan perhatian itu. Selain dari berada bersama dan menjadi pendengar yang baik bagi mereka, sebenarnya ada hal-hal penting lain yang harus kita kerjakan.

Akan tetapi, tentu itu semua bukan omong kosong belaka. Buktikan pada mereka. Tunjukkan.

Kita lah yang harus menyibukkan diri kita dengan mengejar impian. Isilah waktu kita dengan hal-hal yang berkaitan dengan peningkatan kualitas diri. Jangan habiskan waktu untuk hal yang sia-sia.

Percayalah, kesibukan dan penghargaan diri yang tinggi terhadap diri sendiri akan terpancar dan juga menjadikan orang lain menghargai diri kita dalam kadar yang sama bahkan lebih tinggi.

Semoga tulisan ini bermanfaat. Ditunggu kritik, saran dan share pengalaman Anda :)

Black Horse & The Cherry Tree – KT Tunstall

(Woo hoo, woo hoo)
(Woo hoo, woo hoo)

Well my heart knows me better than I know myself
So I’m gonna let it do all the talking
(Woo hoo, woo hoo)

I came across a place in the middle of nowhere
With a big black horse and a cherry tree
(Woo hoo, woo hoo)

I felt a little fear upon my back
I said don’t look back, just keep on walking
(Woo hoo, woo hoo)

Well the big black horse said, “Look this way”
He said, “Hey lil’ lady, will you marry me?”
(Woo hoo, woo hoo)

But I said, No no, no, no no no
I said, No no, you’re not the one for me
No no, no, no no no
I said, No no, you’re not the one for me
(Ooo, woo hoo)

And my heart had a problem in the early hours
So I stopped it dead for a beat or two
(Woo hoo, woo hoo)

But I cut some cord and I shouldn’t have done it
And it won’t forgive me after all these years
(Woo hoo, woo hoo)

So I sent her to a place in the middle of nowhere
With a big black horse and a cherry tree
(Woo hoo, woo hoo)

Now it won’t come back ’cause it’s so so happy
And now I’ve got a hole for the world to see, yeah
(Woo hoo, woo hoo)

And it said, No no, no, no no no
Said, No no, you’re not the one for me
No no, no, no no no
Said, No no, you’re not the one for me
(Ooo, woo hoo)
Not the one for me, yeah
(Ooo, woo hoo)

Said, No, no, no, no
No, no, no, no no
You’re not the one for me
(Woo hoo)
No, no, no, no
(Woo hoo, woo hoo)
No, no, no, no no
You’re not the one for me

Big black horse and a cherry tree
(No no, no, no no no)
I can’t quite get there cause my heart’s forsaken me, yeah, yeah, yeah
(No no)
Big black horse and a cherry tree
(No no, no, no no no)
I can’t quite get there cause my heart’s forsaken me
(No no)

Songwriters
TUNSTALL, KT

Published by
Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

10 Ways Men Will Invest In Women They Dig

I belong to a few singles groups on Facebook where they talk about various issues in the world of singledom. As I have put out an opinion or two out there, some folk have actually thought, hey, this boyee act like he might have some sense!

One of the times where I feel truly flattered is when I have a friend contact or mention me personally and ask can I lobby in on a subject that’s on the floor. I appreciate they think enough about me to even want to hear my two cents. On one hand, it puts a lil’ pressure on me to deliver something of substance. But on the other, I have to remind myself of my mantra, “You have something to say.” And then I take on the challenge!

The question which I was asked to chime in on was:

“But how do you know, outside of spoken words, that a person is invested in you, and not just interested in you?”

Great question and I think many folkenems would like to know the answer. Since I’m a manimal, I can speak better from what a man will do if he’s invested and today that’s what you gon’ get whether you like it or not!

In true David Letterman style, here are ten ways women can tell if men are investing in them for the long term versus just being interested for the short. In other words, does he think you’re Mrs. Right or Miss Right Now? Are you ready? You know how I do…let’s dig in!

1. He will seek to know you beyond a superficial/sexual level. Men will not waste a lot of time getting to know you on any deep level if they are not investing. They will only attempt to do that if the sista is deep and they know they will have to get a level or two deeper to keep her interested long enough to get the good good. You might have dreams and aspirations of being the next Michelle Obama, but if he’s not trying to stick around and be your Barack, he really won’t dig too deep in the stuff that really makes you tick. That causes intimacy and connection. He just wanna know what basic stuff you like so he can attempt to do just that so he can get a quick return on his short term investment.

2. He will be open and upfront about himself. If he’s interested in a serious relationship, he will tell you he’s looking to settle down. He will likewise tell you that he’s not about playing games and he will keep it 100 with you. When you ask him questions, he’s not going to be acting like a politician and trying to bust out all kinda smoke and mirrors like this is a flippin’ haunted house. If he has problems communicating and being open, he will tell you that so at least you know he’s trying to be. Since men are generally direct communicators, we will tell you flat footedly, this is the deal… I want you and I want you to want me too (Marvin Gaye, 1976).  

3. He will let you know you’re on lock. A man will tell you that you are his and you ain’t going nowhere. You will also not have to badger him like Wisconsin to get status updates of where you stand with him. If you so happen to ask, he will not give you a flaky and unsure answer. He will tell you with confidence and bring the security you’re looking for.

4. He will not keep you his best kept secret. If he sees a future with you, he will not keep you in his back pocket forever. He will let you meet his friends and family and have no problem presenting you. After all, he’s testing you to see if you can get along with them. If you have been dating him for ample time and you still don’t have a clue on how his mother looks or met the people he’s talking to on the phone, he’s interested but probably not trying to invest.

5. He will continue to make a good impression beyond the 1st impression. If a sista has been in dating the game for any period of time, she knows a brotha’s first impression might be an important one, but she can’t bet her house on it being the lasting one. We naturally will be on our best behavior when we are first dating you. And though that’s important to observe, the true test is how our impressions after the first compare? Are they just as impressive? If you have noticed a big fall off, he’s not trying to invest in you long term.

6. He will give freely or not mind spending his money. Whether he’s broke or not, he will put money where his mouth is when he’s investing in you. If he’s having you doing all the shelling out to cover relationship expenses, he’s trying to get over like a Range Rover. Not only is he giving of his money, he will give of his time, energy and resources to make sure you’re taken care of when in need—assuming you’re not a leech of course. Why put a lot of time and money in something that’s a quick and cheap thrill?

7. He will make himself vulnerable to you. Now this is a tough one. Of course men don’t wanna admit being vulnerable so we’re not exactly going to tell you we’re trying to be it. But you know a man is being vulnerable when he’s saying or doing things with you he wouldn’t do for others. If something is very important to him and he’s sharing it with you, that’s a big investment! The fine print with this step however is since men equate vulnerability with weakness (and technically it is showing a person your weakness), he might not show that side of himself out the gate. But you will know when you see he’s bestowing a great deal of trust in you and allowing you to see a side many have not seen.

8. He will pray with you. Prayer is one of those most intimate things verbally you can do with a person.  If he’s praying for you or the relationship with you, he’s investing. Why would a man pray for the relationship to God if he doesn’t want it to go anywhere? That’s a spiritual investment and quite frankly, that’s the most important he can make in you!

9. He will support you emotionally. Though men may not be the most emotionally available creatures on the earth, he will be there for you when you need someone emotionally. If you’re down in the dumps, need advice or really going through a storm, he will try his best to help or fix your turmoil. If he’s only interested in the physical you, there’s not much logic to him trying to invest in the emotional you—the side of you that is much harder to maintain.

10. He will acquire an interest about the things you are interested in. One of the benefits of being in a relationship is being exposed to different activities and interests. As he gets to know what you like to do and be involved in, he will likewise acquire an interest. Not necessarily because he thinks it’s an earth shattering activity—you do! If you love art, he’ll try to appreciate art more. If you love education, he’ll try to get more abreast on education issues. If he doesn’t bother to learn more about what you’re interested in, he’s either self-centered or he’s not investing. He’s simply just interested.

If you can see a man doing the majority of these things, there’s a pretty strong chance he’s investing in you and not just messing with you.

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